Top Ten Things Found Only In America May 16, 2009
Posted by Herb in : 1 , add a commentThings Found Only In America
1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America……do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures.”
10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
KauaiHerb
Kauai Police Blotter of Yesteryear May 14, 2009
Posted by Herb in : 1 , add a commentHere’s more from the Police Blotter from 2001, published in The Garden Island Newspaper. These are factual accounts of happenings on our wonderful island out here in the middle of the ocean.
- A caller reported hearing strange noises at the golf course across Kuhio Highway. Officers found a wild boar grazing on the #10 tee.
- A woman called to complain that her neighbors were interfering in the argument she was having with her husband.
- There was a request for police to deliver a message to a member of a visiting parachute jumping team, and it was duly noted that the message had been left taped to the airplane.
- There was an urgent call for police to investigate a report of three men at the Coconut Marketplace dressed in camouflage and carrying what appeared to be live ammunition. Turns out it was three actors working on a movie being filmed near by who were taking a shopping break.
- A caller from the North Shore that lives right on Kuhio Highway complained that people were stopping to use his outdoor shower.
- An elderly gentleman in Lawai called to complain that someone removed his good tire and replaced it with an old flat one.
- The owner of a dress shop said she has a problem because someone is looking through the racks and slipping religious literature in the pockets of all her clothing.
- A 3 a.m. caller reported someone pounding on the back door of Hamura’s Saimin. Police found a young man who said his wife was craving saimin and sorry, he didn’t realize the restaurant was closed.
- A caller said a man was chasing cars near the museum late at night. It turned out to be a drunk on a bicycle and because driving under the influence doesn’t cover bikes, police took him home “without incident”.
- A man at a Lihue motel asked to speak to an officer because someone was playing with his mind.
- A Kekaha man asked police to swing by and tell his wife to leave him alone while he repairs his boat.
KauaiHerb
Lipstick at School May 12, 2009
Posted by Herb in : 1 , add a commentAccording to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators…
KauaiHerb
A Child’s Prayer May 11, 2009
Posted by Herb in : 1 , add a commentDear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer.
Amen
KauaiHerb
The Good Old Days on Kauai May 10, 2009
Posted by Herb in : 1 , add a commentMost everyone living on Kauai knows that our local paper, the Garden Island, publishes information from the “Police Blotter”. It summarizes actions the police department has taken since the last time it was published.
What many may not know, is that the Police Blotter published in the Garden Island years ago was much more entertaining than it is today. As proof, here are actual entries from four months in 2001:
- April 27th, 10:35 a.m. Personnel in the Lihue Public Library sought assistance with a female patron acting in an unlibrarylike manner.
- April 27th, 9:35 p.m. Security guards said someone tried to steal a bench at Kauai High School, near the gym.
- May 14th, 12:08 p.m. A Waimea woman spotted eight loose bovines.
- May 14th, 9:07 p.m. A Wailua House lots man asked to speak to an officer regarding his pet chicken.
- May 15th, 2:27 a.m. A security officer reported a couple was refusing to leave Coconut Marketplace behind the theater.
- June 22nd, 9:42 p.m. A 19-year-old Hanapepe youth was cited for a skateboard violation.
- June 24th, 1:20 p.m. A runaway surfboard struck a vehicle at Nawiliwili Park.
- June 25th, 3:39 p.m. Hilo Hattie’s in Lihue reported damage to a palm tree in the stores parking lot.
- June 30th, 12:06 p.m. An Anahola man complained that a vehicle had struck his pine tree.
- July 2nd, 12:05 a.m. A Wailua man reported his 17-year-old daughter hadn’t come home yet.
- July 2nd, 10:22 p.m. An anonymous woman in Kapaa complained about loud singing.
- July 3rd, 3:20 a.m. A Kapaa man reported having trouble with a woman.
You don’t suppose the loud singing on July 2nd was the man on July 3rd who was having trouble with a woman, do you? Maybe he was singing off key.
KauaiHerb
Science Ideas From Fifth and Sixth Graders May 9, 2009
Posted by Herb in : 1 , add a commentThe following ideas about science were obtained from essays, exams and classroom discussions of 5th and 6th graders.
They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.’
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
- One on the main causes of dust is janitors.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
- Wind is like the air, only pushier.
- Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
KauaiHerb
Dear Abby from Poipu Beach May 7, 2009
Posted by Herb in : 1 , 1 comment so farDear Abby:
I’ve never written to you before, but I need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife is cheating on me. The usual signs – if my phone rings, I pick it up and the person on the other end hangs up. My wife has been “going out with the girls” a lot recently, although when I ask their names, she always responds, “Just some friends from work; you don’t know them.”
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down that I just don’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I really checked on her.
Around midnight I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so that I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from her night out with “the girls.” When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, when I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed, Perplexed in Poipu Beach
KauaiHerb
Top Five Reasons To Stay in a Poipu Beach Vacation Rental May 7, 2009
Posted by Herb in : 1 , add a commentAs you are browsing through a multitude of Kauai Vacation Rental listings, you may notice that those in Poipu are a bit pricier than some others. Rates are definitely lower in Waimea, Kekaka and Kalaheo, you say, so why spend the extra bucks to stay at Poipu Beach? Here are the top five reasons why vacation rentals in Poipu Beach are the most highly desired:
1. Poipu Beach is a resort area. That means there is lots to do within walking distance or a very short drive. The four hotels in Poipu, Grand Hyatt, Sheraton, Marriott and Koa Kea are all on the ocean and have great restaurants and spas. Also Poipu Shopping Village has art galleries, a mini-mart for groceries and many other fun stores from clothing to sunglasses with a Puka Dog thrown in for good measure.
2. The most concentrated collection of restaurants on Kauai. I’m going to write a Guide to Poipu Restaurants in another blog, however suffice to say here that there are a multitude of choices that are bound to please everyone in the family.
3. Things To Do. Think you’ll get tired of walking down to Poipu Beach and Poipu Beach Park every day? Well there’s lot more to do than just sunbathe, surf, swim, snorkel, stand up paddle board, scuba dive and snuba. How about horse back riding, two great golf courses, ocean kayaking, ATVs, Zip-lining, river kayaking, hiking, two different luaus, sunset sails and helicopter adventures? Look for another blog to cover this subject in detail.
4. Beaches. In addition to being the only life guarded beach on the south shore, Poipu Beach has been named the number one beach in the United States more than once. But don’t stop there, you can go to Brennecke’s Beach for great boogie boarding; Lawai Beach for the best snorkeling on the south shore; Baby Beach for a laid back casual vibe and Shipwrecks Beach next to the Grand Hyatt.
5. Location, Location, Location. Poipu is a great central location for seeing the rest of Kauai. When you stay in Poipu Beach you will most likely want to see at least two other areas of the island–the north shore and Waimea Canyon/Polihale State Park. The north shore of Kauai is beautiful, due to the 165 inches of rain a year there compared to 25 inches in Poipu. Many visitors elect to spend part of their Kauai stay on the north shore. I suggest, that unless you like a lot of rain, stay in Poipu and make the one hour drive north and spend the day, then come back home to the sunny south shore. The west side of the island has the beautiful Waimea Canyon and Kokee State Park at the top. This is a must see as it is so different from the rest of the island. You can get there in an hour and on your way home stop at Polihale State Park. The road was just graded as of April, 2009, and you can enjoy the longest unbroken expanse of white sand beach in the Hawaiian Islands.
So whichever way you travel on Kauai, you’ll be right in the center of things in Poipu.
KauaiHerb
Great Truths That Children Have Learned May 5, 2009
Posted by Herb in : 1 , add a commentNo matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.
KauaiHerb
Five Ways to Make Flying To Kauai Much More Enjoyable May 3, 2009
Posted by Herb in : 1 , add a comment1. Always bring a carryon bag. Make sure it is the approved size. The most common U.S. Airline “Safe” size is 22”long by 14” wide and 9 inches high. If you want to double check on the exact size allowed by the carrier you are flying, go to www.farecompare.com and then on the right hand side of the page, click on “Airline Carry On Chart”.
2. Your boarding passes and luggage claim checks will also be given to you on the spot when you use curb side check in. This is very important, because the airlines are now starting to crack down on carry on luggage. In the old days, this wasn’t a big deal. If your bag was over the size limit, they would tag it, you’d leave it at the bottom of the gangway when boarding and pick it up there when exiting the plane. It still works that way, except now you will have a second checked bag and that will be subject to the second bag fee of $25 or more each way.
3. The airlines are not weighing carry on baggage (yet), so be crafty when you pack. Put your shoes and anything else heavy into the carry on. On our last trip I swear our carry on was heavier than either of our checked bags. Be sure and remember that the TSA (the men and women in the new blue uniforms x-raying baggage and shoes), does not allow sharp objects or any liquids over three ounces to be carried on, so be careful what you put into your carry on. You also can not have a partially consumed water or soda, so drink up before arriving at the airport.
If there are two of you traveling and you are checking two bags and have one carry on, purchase a small collapsible nylon bag and pack it on the top of one of the checked bags. Most luggage stores carry them. Then, if your carry on is stuffed full and one of your checked bags is overweight, pull out the nylon bag, remove a few items from the heavy bag, put them into the now expanded nylon bag and carry the nylon bag on. (You are each allowed one carry on bag each).
You are also allowed a purse or “personal item”, so I purchased a “messenger bag” with a long strap (my wife Gale calls it my man purse) for all of my books, snacks or other heavy items. This frees up space in the carry on.
4. If you’ve already checked the chart at www.farecompare.com for what is going to be provided and at what cost, you may want to purchase food and drink to carry on. A lot more restaurants now have take out counters with pre-packaged salads, sandwiches , water and sodas. Just be sure on the drinks you wait to purchase them until after you have gone through security (TSA) or you will have to surrender them.
5. Exit rows and first class upgrades. In the good old days (last year?), you could arrive at the gate early, request an exit row, and usually get one. These rows have more than twice the leg room of a normal seat and are very comfortable, particularly on a long flight. With the new economics, exit rows cost an upgrade fee, usually $25 to $30. United has an entirely different class of seats called Economy Plus that can be purchased. They have about 6 inches more legroom and cost around $35 to $75 each way, depending on the length of the flight. Something to consider on long flights or if you are over six feet tall.